i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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