u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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