DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
