I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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