Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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