how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
