im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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