Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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