i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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