best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
