wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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