theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
