Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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