Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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