you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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