I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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