I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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