A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
