My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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