why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
