i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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