wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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