I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
