And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
