You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
