No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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