He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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