i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
