I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
