my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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