Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
