Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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