Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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