I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
