The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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