Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
