I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
