I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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