If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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