Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
