Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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