How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
