I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
