i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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