I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
