you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Bang-toberfest begins!!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
