The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Randomize
