I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
