I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
