i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
