How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
