He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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